Gran Turismo 5 is finally here. So is my next collection of words.

I'm a fan of things that take a long time to create which reveal very little as to why it took so long. Just like my blog.



It is with this glorious spirit of procrastination that Gran Turismo 5 hits worldwide and three million anxious nerds sperg about how awful it is when in reality it's the same game we've been playing since 1998. If you were expecting a ground-breaking not-Gran Turismo I don't know what to tell any of you. You're literally retarded in as literal a fashion as I can mean literal to be. You're as retarded as those people that spent $100 for a keyring and a model car with a book that tells you not to crash into walls. It's an idiotic waste of one-hundred dollars but it looks so much better than Benjamin Franklin's fat face on my woman-repelling game shelf.

The driving itself is like any other Gran Turismo game, that is to say solid as a rock. The physics have indeed been improved but it's nothing a casual player would notice at all, especially with the pad. Odd quirks abound in this game and many are absolutely maddening. The much-publicized detail gap between "standard" and "premium" cars makes the quality of the game feel schizophrenic and on top of this no wheels can be changed on the lower-definition models. They imported these cars from a game which allowed you to do that so why not import the low-def wheels and let us use those? This installment also adds a leveling system similar to Forza's which keeps you from joining advanced races until you accrue the proper experience points. Because of this you're thankfully no longer required to take license tests but for some reason you also can't buy cars that are above your current driving level. As if the price of the higher-level cars wasn't barrier enough. And most bafflingly you can't change the colors of your racing suit at all after you've made the initial choice. At least the most exclusive car in the world, the Bugatti Veyron is a premium car, right? :( :( :(

On the plus side, Photo Mode returns and is better than any photo mode in any other game that ever did exist. Not only is it extremely intuitive but it also doesn't limit you in the ways Project Gotham or Forza tends to. Plus it includes settings and features you'd find in real photography so that's a major plus. And the cars look absolutely astonishing. The premium models do indeed edge out Forza's in visual fidelity, but many things are hilariously behind the times.

Everything I've just said is an aside. This game is, at its core, a racing simulator and as such attempts to simulate the reality of driving a car very fast. Everyone knows you can upgrade your chosen ride with various racing parts and this includes a racing transmission. Traditionally in every simulator ever created you can customize each and every gear ratio to suit the exact needs of the track at hand. Every simulator but this one, it seems. Sure you can pick a "quick tune" where you choose the theoretical top speed of your car. Fine and dandy but sometimes you need more fine tuning and the fact that it's not available is the worst crime this game commits. Imagine a surgeon needing a scalpel but the hospital only providing a bat'leth. A bat'leth with adjustable grips.

Gran Turismo 5: Flawless, gets 5/5 and is my vote for Game of the Year.

This is a placeholder until someone with talent arrives.

With the recent announcement of Gearbox purchasing all things Nukem and subsequently deciding to finish Duke Nukem Forever, I thought now would be a great time to talk about shooters. First Person Shooters. They're all I can think about now. One of my teenage dreams was to one day throw pipe bombs and ride subway cars in full 3D with the glory of the Quake 2 engine to back it all up. Well that'll never happen but Unreal Engine 2.5 is good enough, I suppose. I doubt it'll have all that awesome coloured lighting though :(

Since I have a sizable collection of Eff Pee Esses's I thought it'd be good to go through them and highlight what they did for me as a game enthusiast and general fat lazy slob, starting from the beginning before I hit the twenty-year speed bump and became this eating machine. I blame George Broussard.

Stay tuned for some really spergy trips through gaming history.

Always Bet on Duke's Unemployment.

With news that George Broussard's extra-tardy baby will probably never see the light of day, I must confess that my first reaction was to sit in a darkened room clutching my Duke Nukem 3D box whilst sobbing quietly, the only other sound the occasional patter of tears on cardboard. My red tank-top is off and my shades have been placed in a drawer to be forgotten about until the next owner finds them in five years after I've hawked the nightstand in a yard sale.

Then I realized I'd be dead before Duke Nukem Forever released anyway so I've gotten over it. Funny comparisons to John Romero and Ion Storm aside, it's actually been a fun ride watching several different versions of the same train wreck repeatedly for thirteen years. I think the most frustrating thing is that we could've had several major Duke Nukem games if it hadn't been for crippling perfectionism. Imagine a genius kid creating a cure for cancer but completely scrapping it because the cure didn't also taste like cotton candy.

Here's to you George, you magnificent retard.

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Hilldale Community College

I lieu of actually having some content, here's a terrible thing I put together a month back.